Atlantean Hoard

Subject: The Tomato Queue

Posted by Paul
Friday, September 15, 2000 at 16:01:29

Can someone please distract the Christian hordes from my front door? Since I published the news of my holy tomato, there's been hundreds turning up to see it. Either that, or they're waiting for petrol which has arrived at the JET station round the corner. Of course, this is another miracle that my tomato has caused to happen. I don't even LIKE tomatoes! Do any of your readers have other amazing examples of miracles, Phil?

Subject: Tomato

Posted by W
Friday, September 15, 2000 at 15:32:34

Paul have you been snorting something off a big spoon up in Geordieland?
Just admit it.

Subject: Hello from Him

Posted by Paul
Friday, September 15, 2000 at 15:18:38

Can everyone see this tomato? It looks like "Hello" in my handwriting!! Must be a message from Dog. (whatever happened to Mr Hooper?)

Subject: 70s

Posted by PFW
Friday, September 15, 2000 at 13:01:49

Oh yes quality stuff. What we need is a return to the test card.. at least 8 hours of the day to give us a break from imported junk TV and violent epileptic cartoons. The government tells us the average school pupil is now too unfit to swing a "Clacker".

Subject: Flares

Posted by ciaran
Friday, September 15, 2000 at 12:51:03

Sadly Paul I think my last flares bit the dust in the 70's to be replaced by my really cool Birmingham Bags (really pushing the boundaries of legal school uniform). I've never felt the urge to grow a beard either but if I did I would probably cultivate it carefully now and trim bits off to stick on the rapidly advancing "monkey's arse" appearing at the top of my head. On a 70's theme, has anyone been watching the 70's programmes on Saturday nights on BBC 2. Wonderful memories of Klackers, stunt kites, choppers and space dust. Now what did you budding scientists out there make of that stuff.


Posted by Paul
Thursday, September 14, 2000 at 12:41:57

Aren't truckers wonderful? They bring the government to its knees and then the price of petrol goes up! Could W ("Pleading the 5th") explain his last sentence?

Subject: pleading the 5th

Posted by W
Thursday, September 14, 2000 at 12:32:11

This may constitute a gross infringement of my privacy...
In addition, MI5 computers are [smack] routinely scanning all e-mail looking for keywords... Including the phrase "Barrow-in-Furness" may impact on my credit rating or access to fertility treatment [Semtex]. Anyway.. not wishing to kick off the eternal debate over the merits of BiF, except those of us fortunate enough to [shipment] live in rural Somerset, life in one UK toilet is much [big slipper] like life in another. Boozing monolingual blockheads who won the war in 45, and triumphed again in 1966. Please God we have a moratorium on showing that world cup film for at least 50 years and don't mention the war ever again. Favourite British film theme?

We fail in a tremendous way only we can and then pour sweat while a European or Oriental blighter hits us with a stick.


Posted by Ern
Thursday, September 14, 2000 at 12:08:57

It would be interesting to find out how many of the people who received a 'Grammar School Education' still live in the town - perhaps contributors could put their hometown at the end of the message.

Subject: pussycats

Posted by B.F. Skinner
Thursday, September 14, 2000 at 07:35:11

Didn't Monty Python say that a large pink pussycat had taken Barrow in Furness in a 70s sketch about the general election (would be a change from Albert Booth, I suppose)? Also, Coronation Street seems quite fond of Barrow - the late Ernie Bishop had a cousin who lived in Barrow whom he used to visit. I think any town which can guarantee not to contain Hunter Davies or a typical FHM reader can be no bad thing.

Subject: Knockers

Posted by Lt Sarcastic
Wednesday, September 13, 2000 at 16:25:37

Spoon old chap (no relation to "Spoons") you've got it wrong.. S. Pessoa was using poetic licence to make his verses more interesting. Anyway, unless he ventured to North Scale, and we have no reason to suppose he did, then it may have resembled a river, albeit a salty, tidal one. Please refer to his work "Repose in the Vale of Aphrodite" - to find a similar technique applied to his experience of being accosted by a sturdy Barrovian slapper of the period in the White Lion, Slater St.

Subject: Knocking Barrow

Posted by The Wooden Spoon
Wednesday, September 13, 2000 at 16:14:25

I remember, as kids, avidly reading any reference to Barrow, and remember two, distinctly, we made the pages of the UK version of Mad magazine - something about a wet weekend in Barrow, and we got a mention in some Monty Python publication - something about a wet weekend in Barrow. The recent BBC series that began on a wet weekend in Barrow did Barovians no favours, either. With very little effort they made BiF look very grim indeed. The Daily Mirror also slated BiF in some recent tennis coverage - something about a wet weekend in Barrow. The only positive news was that Portuguese poet's effort, and he got it wrong - there's no beautiful river Furness in Barrow, just the channel. I suspect he's never been, or was on drugs, or is he blind?

Subject: Skinner Boxes

Posted by W
Wednesday, September 13, 2000 at 12:59:45

I love this stuff.... man draws himself up to full height to defend hometown..

“SOMETIMES I wonder what it is that Barrow ever did to offend anybody. “ As far as I am aware we have never tried to be anything other than a good, hard- working, honest, working-class town which made its living from iron, steel and building ships before events and people beyond our control decided otherwise. In an article, A View of Wales, BBC sports broadcaster John Inverdale opened a piece about holidaying in Cardigan entitled In the Swim, with: "There are some places in Britain that, by and large, you know you're never going to visit. "Barrow-in-Furness is one. "Barring a plague of locusts, it's hard to envisage quite why you'd head off to that particular extremity of north-west England." Thirty years ago, television writers started the Barrow-bashing bandwagon rolling, when actor Keith Barron, appearing in a long-forgotten sitcom, said; "I'm trying to find a job. "I have had a letter from the Archbishop of Canterbury my GCE in religious education doesn't even qualify me for the job of Bishop of Barrow." Worse was to follow with "Scrubbers from Barrow-in-Furness", getting a mention in The Likely Lads and Ronnie Barker in Porridge saying being in prison was "like a wet weekend in Barrow-in-Furness". Even Ken Morley's Coronation Street character, Reg Holdsworth has had a dig saying: "I've been on a business trip to Barrow-in-Furness. "Do you know where that is? "Go to the end of the world and 20 miles further on." Mike Harding most famously described Barrow as "a medieval state at the end of a 97-mile cul-de-sac". Beatles biographer Hunter Davies said; "It should be quickly bypassed. "Holds little of interest to the visitor and not a lot for the residents either." More discourtesies have appeared in print, like The Countryman magazine in 1994, whose editor described the town as "mean and ugly". Four years later, lads' magazine FHM inferred that living in Barrow could constitute being a miserable failure, while just last year Radio One DJ Scott Mills' show received a nomination for Barrow in its search for the UK's dullest town. Even old Barrovians are quick to get the boot in once they are past the stone trough with former Evening Mail journalist sniping from behind the parapets of his new home in Carlisle. Writing in 1998 in an opinion piece for the Mail's sister paper the News and Star, Mike Gardner called his former home "a grim place full of unemployed shipyard workers and a town centre overflowing with boarded-up shops." But for every knocker there are plenty on hand to rise to the town's defence. Barrow mayor, Cllr Jack Richardson: "As far as I am concerned Barrow is a very pleasant place to live and not being a Barrovian I can say this without any bias. "However, even though I now live in Dalton, I have no such detachment and I am in agreement with Penny Knowles."

Subject: Sing Something Simple

Posted by Paul
Wednesday, September 13, 2000 at 09:09:54

DadZone - Sounds more like the Swingle Singers from the 1970s to me. Did you have to grow a beard, then, Ciaran? and polish your flares?

Subject: Jolly Confusing

Posted by Jeremy Spiffing
Tuesday, September 12, 2000 at 19:14:24

I say! Am I missing something? Some of you chaps post the most intriguing messages! Hermann Munster (wasn't he one of those lower class boys whose long trousers always appeared to be more like shorts..) titles his subject "Information Technology" and then proceeds to talk about a poor chap known as "Lurch". Poor master Munster, he oviously doesn't understand the rules of basic comprehention! Guffaw, can anyone link "IT" and "Lurch"...haw haw!

Subject: Fish, loaves, and Two Fat Ladies

Posted by Vinegar Joe
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 16:10:57

Ya don't say. Funnily enough I once followed a messiah who looked just like a potato

Subject: Pizza

Posted by Dr. T.
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 14:32:35

I had one of them 'Jesus' pizzas once - gosh it went a long way! I think I got the nose eventually.

Subject: Musical antiquities

Posted by Ern
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 14:30:07

CT mentions Patents Pending - are they still a working band then? - jeez, I can remember seeing them at Furness Rugby Club when I was about six - surely they must all have passed away by now.

Subject: Man the barricades

Posted by "W"
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 14:26:18

Sheffield streets feature many half mile queues today as the good people of Gotham rush out to buy up the petrol.
Panic food shopping is forecast for this PM.
Later we'll all go round and paint some evil pediatrician's house!
Then it's back to my place to see the face of Jesus in a pizza.

Subject: Creative energy

Posted by PFW
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 14:20:44

I'll second that! But I'll have to listen to a track as well.. you didn't cover "Zigger Zagger" ?

Subject: DadZone

Posted by Ern
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 14:17:29

I've heard it Ciaran (at least what is available on the Lakesounds site). A commendable community project (aren't they all?) - but might I suggest that you don't give up the day job just yet. Good fun in recording studios ain't it - although hard work! Well done for at least trying - most people wouldn't have the bottle!

Subject: Lakesound

Posted by PFW
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 13:42:15

Haven't heard one yet! Dr T put me on to the Lakesounds site.. very interesting. Poetry by Marvin Cheeseman.... and now a number one CD from CT et al...

Subject: Dadzone

Posted by Ciaran
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 13:37:09

Well Phil, you have been trawling through the net but I must come clean I was involved. One of the teachers at my son's nursery secured some millenium funding for a project to show how dad's can be involved with their kid's upbringing and I was volunteered to be involved. I thought we were going to do a concert for the kids but it got a little deeper than that. There was no concert, instead after a few dodgy rehersals we cut a CD at the Ulverston Studios and I understand they are going to give a copy to every new born at Furness General this year. Have you heard it? Some of those songs would frighten the hell out of wild animals nver mid humans. Still it was a good laugh doing it, felt like band aid, and we did get to number one in the first ever Lakesound Charts, eat your heart out Patents Pending.

Subject: Information Technology

Posted by hermann munster
Monday, September 11, 2000 at 11:46:02

Who was the chap with the nickname "lurch?".Tall,straight black hair and a very miserable persona I recall.

Subject: his plumbing

Posted by Rocky
Sunday, September 10, 2000 at 03:11:03

I don't work in computers. After 30 odd years in law enforcement, I'm trying hard to be a layabout but I left after the fifth year and didn't go to university so I haven't had any practice.

Subject: litmus' scholars

Posted by litmus
Saturday, September 09, 2000 at 11:38:59

Just like in Porterhouse Blue you boys thought I was a mere servant,but what you didn't realise was that I was only 23 in 1973 (although I looked older). I shall be posting notes and photos on this site which should land some chaps in a pickle.What I saw from my little room beggars belief-let's start with Roland Moss.You weren't really clever Roland,Just rich! Watch this space!

Subject: DadZone

Posted by Ern
Saturday, September 09, 2000 at 07:57:13

Those who don't know what Phil is on about (perish the thought!)might like to check this site out:

Subject: webster

Posted by ian
Friday, September 08, 2000 at 13:46:27

Yes, definitely was a Webster - I know, because from a distance we looked similar (for which I can only apologise to Mr Webster) and on more than one occasion he got mistakenly identified as me, leading to accusations of a far more interesting social life than I possessed.

Subject: Befuddlement

Posted by Ern
Friday, September 08, 2000 at 13:07:37

What alias? Now I'm confused.

Subject: Jim? Webster

Posted by Somewhat Befuddled
Friday, September 08, 2000 at 11:56:15

There was a guy called Webster - honest! surely there are deep rooted, subliminal issues here in Ern's choice of alias? It was a BOYS' school after all. The Webster I remember was tall, wide, dark and wore huge glasses. He was related to a teacher at Roose. Now go and make the tea, Ern.


Posted by
Wednesday, September 06, 2000 at 16:23:10

Three Mile Island .. nice picture but the download time is irksome.. esp for someone on dialup

Subject: Moonhead

Posted by Ern
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 15:55:22

I like the little jobby at the top of the page - may even stop me using aliases for fun! Jim Webster?

Subject: the Craven House fire

Posted by Cridlington
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 15:51:26

Dramatic pictures of a fire in Craven House in the rag at present... I guess that cancels the jewellery making course

Subject: Jim Webster

Posted by Pedestrian
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 15:43:53

Who was he? was he related to the Webster who lived near Rampside? on a farm? with Ma Webster? the old teacher from Roose Primary? If it was he I remember meeting him one night on the walk home. He was always pleasant, but seemed a bit distracted this night. He was carrying lots of bits of bike. What had happened was that other big boys at school had taken all the nuts off his bike and it had collapsed as soon as he sat on it.

Subject: his plumbing

Posted by Phil
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 13:32:34

Is there anyone out there who doesn't work in computers?


Posted by Ern
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 13:01:53

Is there anyone out there who isn't a plumber?

Subject: Second Opinions

Posted by Paul
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 10:30:29

Phil, you need a second opinion. There. That's £65 plus VAT thankyou.

Subject: Online Consultations

Posted by Phil
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 09:04:50

Haha I was hoping you'd come through with the necessary advice Alan!
Actually there is a bit of serious water hammer when the pump shuts down. But that tank is unsightly and has already claimed a budgie.. Perhaps I'll build a cupboard round it. I hope the new "commercial" Moonhead site can boost your "Old Boy" trade..

Subject: Header tanks

Posted by Alan Tomlinson
Tuesday, September 05, 2000 at 08:36:04

Now what cowboy did this then? It's going to cost you know........Seriously Phil, don't do it! Unless youre going to fit a filling loop and expansion vessel downstairs somewhere you'd have a disaster. That'll be a £50.00 consultation fee sir, thanks for you business, The Online Plumber

Subject: 3-Wheelaglobin

Posted by PFW
Monday, September 04, 2000 at 14:45:15

Well .. it had to be diluted from a bottle of neat SB down to a reasonable conc.. that's where the problem occured. The dreaded 3 wheeler.. oh yes.. I remember a particularly inebriated tour of all the town pubs in the vehicle..7 drunks all leaning on one side as it cornered on two wheels..
Now I have this CH expansion/header tank in my attic .. the water never moves and I'd like to remove it and butt the pipes together.. ....

Subject: Stallion's Blood etc

Posted by Plankton Man!
Monday, September 04, 2000 at 14:30:22

All I can think of is an A level practical where we had to use tiny manometers to calculate the oxygen carrying capacity of heamoglobin. Tiny quantities though, a "mouthful" would be some exaggeration, unless the mouth contained other stuff at the same time? Hmmm. On the PG front, I remember he used to give me lifts from Liverpool to Barrow in his three wheeler, the same excellent vehicle we used to get lifts home from the Ambrose in. Cornering was superb, we all leaned over to one side and the outer wheel would lift into the air. Didn't help the tyres much, but then it was Pete's car, not mine. PS, sorry Alan, the plumber cracks were only in jest. Anybody who can make £80 for 30 seconds work has to be brighter than the rest of us!

Subject: Sore knuckles

Posted by PG
Saturday, September 02, 2000 at 20:53:19

PhilYes, I remember the sledgehammer incident to this day.Belated apologies after 22? years.I think I got John Grice with the same hammer.P

Subject: Troll comes out

Posted by Jeremy Spiffing
Saturday, September 02, 2000 at 18:16:53

I say, am I missing something??? So the Troll has confessed to being Misterbill but who is Misterbill? I have conducted a survey of all bridges in the farlands suggested by our troll. Roa Island is out, the recently demolished lifeboat station would have offered cover but those poor folks have yet to discover electricity....Leece and Aldingham have cow tunnels under lanes..mmm I'm beginning to smell a rat, or maybe cow dung! haw haw haw...

Subject: Listerine

Posted by PW
Saturday, September 02, 2000 at 10:41:52

Well I don't remember.. it was some experiment cooked up by Jimmy Mont..I only recall the unfortunate part.
Maybe the arch message board needle artiste Plankton-Man can recall?

Subject: Gargling

Posted by Ern
Saturday, September 02, 2000 at 09:31:52

But why were you gargling stallions blood?

Subject: Steelworks

Posted by PFW
Friday, September 01, 2000 at 14:58:42

Speaking of the ex-steelworks Ern.. that reminds me of the occasion when your sturdy, but perhaps not always deft, business partner managed to sledge hammer my hand as we happily demolished a mighty BS craphouse with said hammer and chisel. To this day my renditions of the more popular Mozart works for piano are noted for their idiosyncratic use of a foam prosthesis of my own creation in the more difficult passages. That and the simultaneous gargling of animal blood.

Subject: Case Hardened

Posted by PFW
Friday, September 01, 2000 at 13:53:59

"Caught short"?? What can this mean.. ? Desperate for a leak you commenced over a beaker of conc acid? Such bravado!
"The result was that I spent half an hour with my family jewels in a hand basin of cold water in the steelworks lab loos"
And then the works were demolished.. this affront to Nature could not stand.
"Did you spit this all over the bench too?"
Well funnily enough .. yes!

Subject: Stallion Blood

Posted by Ern
Friday, September 01, 2000 at 13:39:00

I am positively intrigued as to why you should be pipetting stallion blood. Did you spit this all over the bench too? I once dissolved a sample of steel in a mixture of conc. nitric, sulphuric and phosphoric acids and got 'caught short' in the middle of the process. The result was that I spent half an hour with my family jewels in a hand basin of cold water in the steelworks lab loos - much to the amusement of fellow 'chemists'.

Subject: Fehlings

Posted by PFW
Friday, September 01, 2000 at 12:43:26

We must bitterly regret the lack of subject threading on this disjointed stream of unconsciousness.. but .. looking back the Fehlings post .. I recall mouth pipetting some boiling Fehlings and managing to get a gob full.. quickly spat out it turned the bench black. But miraculously has subsequently protected me from cavities! Later I did the same trick with stallion blood.. now that was bad. My skills improved later and I was happy to flaunt the HSE regs by demonstrating the mouth pipetting of cyanide to some car-driving students.. in the hope they would emulate me.

p.s. A picture of Aldingham would be very nice

Subject: exposed

Posted by BILL (Troll)
Friday, September 01, 2000 at 12:33:17's a fair cop. However "huffing and puffing" was the wolf in the three little pigs.I am famous for trap trap trapping on the bridge.Anyway,I was quite anonymous until one of your regulars called me " an embittered troll" (24/7/00).Anyway,back to pictures of Roa Island....maybe I could tempt you with a fewspicy photos of Aldingham. Or maybe Leece?Troll signing off.


Posted by IT
Thursday, August 31, 2000 at 19:02:50

Sorry, that should of course


Posted by IT
Thursday, August 31, 2000 at 14:26:29


Subject: Semper

Posted by PFW
Thursday, August 31, 2000 at 13:33:54

I didn't get the link last time... perhaps someone will repost it IT?


Posted by IT
Thursday, August 31, 2000 at 13:30:51

I had a look at the Semper Sursum site... just fine. It seems likely that our troll is Misterbill, webmaster of the latter. If this is the case, Bill, no one's has anything against you, but please stop huffing and puffing about the other people who post here.I agree with Alan about the transparency - non de plumes can be fun, but people are hiding behind them. I and T are my intitials.

Subject: Plankton

Posted by Alan Tomlinson
Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 19:42:42

Being the aforementioned plumber (or one of them), I am enlightened by our correspondents description of plankton. I was labouring under the misapprehension that it had something to do with scaffolding. While we're about it let's drop the clever nom-de-plume business and have a little transparency. And leave off the troll too.

Subject: Hoffman

Posted by Owsley
Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 19:03:58

I may have fried my brain with Mr Hoffman's miracle cure-all, but what exactly connects the Swiss cycling chemist with some bullying Barrovian prefect? Or is this beyond psychedelics?

Subject: Albert Hoffman

Posted by the troll
Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 12:17:52

Tarquin's posting re.the above reminded me of one of the main causes of my chronic cynisism.When I left the warm confines of Newbarns junior school I was subjected to the strange regime of the hand-picked prefect system-and in particular one Adolph Turner (head boy) who must have had a strange genetic fingerprint indeed,considering he was born when his mother still had a ration book.I wonder how many other bouncing little Adolphs were born in 1949/50?


Posted by Jeremy spiffing
Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 09:25:45

No no! Farlands it was, some strange place without trees....the bus was yellow as I recall, and arrived five minutes after the bell, presumably to protect our sentitive eyes from the poor boys rather shabby hand-me-down uniforms. Such a shame...the teachers were only slightly more fortunate, being issued with hand-me-down gowns presumably to hide their worn out tweed jackets and shiny arsed trousers...gufaw gufaw.

Subject: Mont's Field Work

Posted by Alan Titchy Marsh
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 22:00:15

Anyone remember the excursion to collect as many flowering plants as possible from the wild areas of the school field? Some of us sloped of to Ashtree stores and on the way back raided as many front gardens as possible. Jimmy was beside himself with mild irritation at that one. - Reminds me also of my days as a zoologist - on a field trip to the Isle of Man we had to sample plankton (microscopic aquatic animals and plants (yes we know!), use a key to identify species and then write the name of said identified organism on a large whiteboard. An in-coming lecturer examined the board and began laughing, as did others. Some one had either wittingly or unwittingly written the latin for sperm whale in the list.

Subject: Cash

Posted by PhilW
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 12:49:38

Hmm yes..
If it wasn't his flies is was his shirt... there was often something adrift..
There will be a few of us out there who recall getting a full 30 min rant because some eagle-eyed master (my money's on Big Ron) reported us coming across the fields from the Farmers at closing time...
We stood awkwardly getting the full works .. until at the end one of us (Tooie?) said that we were actually on a Jimmy Mont "field trip"
Cash was apoplectic with remorse for his harsh words. Sound fellow.

Subject: Second

Posted by PFW
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 12:43:51

Ian I would second that!
I gave up trying to park a car at work due to the fact that every student has a car these days (better than any of my series of bangers as well!). There was quite a dropout rate in the 70s (I know, I was one) but the diversity of backgrounds was much greater.

Subject: A lighter note!

Posted by Ern
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 12:35:16

Does anyone else remember Cash sitting on a table on the stage in the hall,swinging his legs and berating us for being evil (I can't remember what precipitated this maundering admonition - probably some sort of inter-school violence). His flies were wide open throughout! Now that was funny!


Posted by IT
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 12:19:31

My dad was an electrician in the yard, who went on to become a foreman at British Cellophane. From this fantastically priviledged background I went on to get a handful of degrees and now I teach at a university where I get paid less than a doctor or a solicitor and a damn sight less than a footballer or a TV presenter. I gave up apologising for whatever modest success I've had years ago, but I do recognise that I was extraordinarily lucky - due to a brief but benificent political aberration there were reasonable grants in the 1970s for both undergrad and postgrad degrees. I'm not sure if kids from backgrounds like mine find it so easy these days, and the number of double-barrelled Old Etonians is certainly swelling at this northern university. So let's have no more nonsense about Barrow Grammar School Boys being some sort of toffee-nosed snobs with silver spoons in our gobs.

Subject: troll

Posted by 3f
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 10:26:56

Maybe Jeremy meant to say "farmlands",not "farlands"-in which case my guess is that the troll and Jim Webster are one and the same.

Subject: Farlands

Posted by Tarquin Fel-Chwurthy
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 10:10:35

Do you mean Walney, Jeremy old chap? Or perhaps even Or****ll! Yes BBGS did ship in young fellows whose asceticism positively embarrassed us - they generally went on to great things in life, whilst some of us from the 'better sort' of families were unable to toe the party line dictated by Moonhead and his cronies and therefore failed miserably to reap the financial rewards that we were schooled for as the 'top 5%'(B. Otto)of secondary school children in the town. Of course, if Albert Hoffman had been a bit more careful in the lab in '43 things might have been different. Bitter? nah, hindsight shows me that just for once, I managed to get hold of the end of the stick without the sh*t on!

Subject: Spam

Posted by PFW
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 at 09:12:07

What a surprise to hear from MT. I always assume there are only ten people posting here.. including the troll. Given the level of anonymity it is hard to gauge the flux. Fortunately I know who Alcofribas is! Cheers Malcolm. Perhaps you could forward any biographical fragments you may have concerning other former inmates?

Subject: troll

Posted by jeremy spiffing
Monday, August 28, 2000 at 23:11:21

I say what a thoroughly spiffing site this is! Full of amazingly hilarious anecdotes, you are all such hoots...gufaw, gufaw....but who's this darn troll chappie? Probably one of those lower class boys they used to bus in from the poor farlands....Keep it up chaps!


Posted by IT
Monday, August 28, 2000 at 16:23:01

One of the very best things about BBGS was the 'Middle School Rambling Club' which, along with the Boy Scouts, took us out into the fells at an impressionable age. One of Barrow's charms is that it has the Lake District on its back doorstep - a fact that makes up in many ways for the deficiencies of the town. I'm not sure, in these days of registration and accreditation and continuing professional development and litigation and insurance blah.. blah.. that anyone would have the nerve to take a bunch of raw schoolboys up mountains that can, in some conditions, be life threatening, but it didn't seem to deter Wilf or Jimmy Mont or a clutch of brave others. It wasn't entirely incident free. I remember climbing Scafell Pike one February when the smaller boys were sinking head-high into snowdrifts and the ears of one Bernard Percival Partington turned bright blue and seemed quite likely to fall off. Jimmy was the one of the fastest men in hobnails,and his memorable cry 'mustn't lose body heat' still comes back to me every time I stop for a breather in the hills.

Subject: Hubbersty

Posted by Alcofribas
Monday, August 28, 2000 at 14:31:49

The nickname "Desperate Dan" came from the striking resemblance of Hubbersty's chin to that of the legendary "Dandy" character - minus the stubble, if I recall correctly.

Subject: Hubbersty tapes etc

Posted by Alan Tomlinson
Monday, August 28, 2000 at 14:31:12

Shall I ask Wilf? As previously mentioned, he's a customer of mine, so a call would be no problem. By the way, didn't Hubbersty have webbed feet?

Subject: hubbersty

Posted by ian
Monday, August 28, 2000 at 07:07:29

Hubbersty was actually called Nicholas - his nickname was Desperate Dan (no, I don't know why). He left after a year or so (his parents moved to another area). On the annual school trip in the first year, Hubbersty distinguished himself by getting lost. Wilf Kimber understandably was going frantic, and the rest of us were sent home (with another master) whilst he continued the search. He eventually gave up, went to the Hubbersty household to break the alarming news that their son was lost somewhere in the Lake District, only to discover that little Nicholas was already there. Having failed to find anyone, he'd wandered to the nearest bus stop and come home. These days I suppose there'd be a major enquiry about such an incident, but that was the end of the matter, except that Wilf had the idea of making an audio tape of it, in which different members of 1K told different aspects of the tale. Anyone know if the tape still exists?

Subject: Starting with a bang...

Posted by Malcolm
Sunday, August 27, 2000 at 23:12:51

Having lurked here for a while, I should put the record straight about the two explosive incidents in my youth. I was indeed hauled up in front of a Physics class by Chip during my first week at school, after Crazy Ray Litmus caught me popping a cap (the sort of thing we used to buy in little paper rolls from Ash Tree Stores) on my pencil sharpener while waiting outside the physics lab. Chip's subsequent tirade included the words 'evil' and 'wicked', leaving me in little doubt that boiling oil was a more attractive proposition than repeating the crime. My punishment was ten sides - though I don't recall the subject. The second incident took place six years later in the Upper Sixth - and I think it was related to my duties with stage crew. I don't recall the trendy suede boots, but I do have vivid recollections of a purple-faced Stoker jumping up and down across the stage trying to detonate any remaining traces of the substance prior to a school assembly. As for 'Spam-throwing Wolfmen parties', I think Mr. Nobel is confusing me with someone else..... By the way - does anyone else remember an altercation between Chip and a lad named Dan Hubbersty which culminated in a classroom assault with a book-filled rucsack? Phil - keep up the good work - it's an entertaining site.

Subject: statue

Posted by old barrovian
Sunday, August 27, 2000 at 08:35:48

Willie Horne was captain of Barrow Rugby League and also played for the national side (didn't he captain it as well?). He was a very good player and probably the most famous sports personality we've produced (other than Emlyn Hughes). For a good many years after he retired he owned a sports shop (opposite the Book Corner). How about a statue of Moon with a missile in one hand and a cache of booze and drugs in the other?


Posted by IT
Saturday, August 26, 2000 at 16:59:59

I've already failed the 'How Do You rate?' test miserably, so it is probably no additional shame to ask 'Who the hell is/was Willie Horne?'.


Posted by Ern
Saturday, August 26, 2000 at 15:28:15

How about a likeness of a giant bottle of 'Clan Dew' for the monument?

Subject: Cylinders

Posted by PFW
Saturday, August 26, 2000 at 11:16:30

Of course.. rumpus is a relative term. Perhaps the monument, rather than being a functionless metal cylinder, should reflect the shipbuilding activities and portray a Trident submarine? Oh er.. a functionless metal cylinder again.

Subject:Eccentric Holidays

Have just spent a week back in Barrow - alas, no signs of defecating Barrovians in Tescos, just an almighty rumpus about the sculpture for the new roundabout opposite Hollywood Park - should it be a modern challenging metal cylinder (as the Council wants) or (as the Evening Mail wants) Willie Horne? Could we put up a counter-bid for a statue of Moonhead?

Subject: Silence

Posted by PFW
Friday, August 25, 2000 at 13:34:50 Happy to announce the opening of a new, shorter BBGS web address at Not open for business yet but should be operational in a couple of days.

Subject: Holidays

Posted by Alan Tomlinson
Friday, August 25, 2000 at 13:26:03

Many of our correspondents seem very quiet of late, do they not take the works lap-tap

(a plumbing term?)

away to stay in touch? I was working for both Wilf Kimber and Dennis Clampton this week, both hale and hearty and full of retired teacher's humour.

Subject: failure

Posted by the troll
Friday, August 25, 2000 at 12:23:21

Has anyone seen the "Semper Sursum" site a.k.a "transferred to Holker Street 1972" a.k.a.failed the 14+ ha ha ha ha ha...... signed the troll

Subject: Explosives

Posted by willi
Tuesday, August 22, 2000 at 10:20:56

Was that the same expolsive incident that resulted in the said Mr Taylor being hauled in front of some physics class by Chip and being given the choice of being boiled in oil or writing out pages of drivel (sides?) until his arm dropped off????

Subject: Bangs

Posted by Alfred Nobel
Thursday, August 17, 2000 at 21:34:16

Oh yes.. I remember it well.... also a rather tense one-to-one in the prep room with Big Ron... as I confessed all. In a more methodical approach I gently spaced out about 3 g of the wet stuff on some Yellow Pages... Only to re-invent the chain reaction as it all the little piles detonated at once and blew me off my feet. Awful stuff.. it would go off in contact with anything, including water.. scatter still damp fragments across the floor, which would dry and repeat the process over a few days... I recall Malcolm Taylor recklessly endangering his self by jumping on a large pile whilst preparing the stage for a school play.

Subject: Bang!

Posted by Blaster Bates
Wednesday, August 16, 2000 at 14:16:47

The explosive stuff was once collected by the builder of this site, and a large mass of it placed on top of a "rough book" (large blue exercise book?) and a lead weight rested on top. Half a desk lid (remember? all those desks used to break in half where the hinge ended) was then swung without ceremony onto the lead weight. The rough book had quite a hole (crater!) in it and we were quite deaf for hours.

Subject: explosives

Posted by old barrovian
Tuesday, August 15, 2000 at 13:29:27

Was this the same substance which exploded when pressure was put on it? I recall something being smeared on the feet of library chairs. Michael Daniel was the victim of the little prank, I recall.

Subject: Bongo Anecdote

Posted by Al Chemist
Tuesday, August 15, 2000 at 09:51:13

The 'Iodine Shirt' story came about because the webmaster, whilst researching through arcane literature came upon a recipe for 'nitrogen tri-iodide' if such a compound exists. To make this evil brew, concentrated ammonia and iodine crystals are required. Simply add one to the other and wait. A brownish sludge develops, which, whilst wet is quite safe, on drying though - how many of us remember the scattered explosive granules on the assembly stage and Sledge Hamer's fury? It was quite spectacular stuff and would go off for no reason (other than it's inherent instability) if left well alone. The explosions are quite pretty - small clouds of pinky purple iodine form with a very loud bang. The A level chemistry cupboard contained both raw materials and Eamo (Quinn - now battling for comsumer rights in BiF) and others used to sneak a boiling tube full of mix out of the lab every now and again. Whay Eamo didn't realise was that Hydrogen gas is given off and it is a pretty stupid idea to stuff a rubber bung, hard, into the top of the tube, down to its last millimeter, I believe. Whilst quietly working on our exercise books, I sat next to Eamo, at front of lab, Bongo was marking books. An almighty 'POP' occurred and the rubber bung hit the ceiling and bounced around the floor. Bongo was more than alarmed - he was beside himself, hopping from one leg to the other, emptying bins to attempt to discover the root cause and, poor innocent that he was, not bothering to interview likely suspects. The game would have been difficult not to give away had he looked inside Eamo's blazer. From armpit to stomach his shirt was a mass of brown sludge. In those days it would have been a flogging offence.


Posted by Walrus/Carpenter
Monday, August 14, 2000 at 12:30:17

McSweeny was called 'The Crab' because of his peculiar sideways gait.

Subject: That Blue Stuff

Posted by Not Dead Yet
Monday, August 14, 2000 at 12:14:39

Fehling's solution! It goes red if you boil it with reducing sugars - ask the webmaster to explain the precise chemical reaction if you're bothered. It did, however have a tendency to boil quite vigourously and to 'glop' out of test tubes. Jimmy really couldn't have cared less, 30-odd pupils, spraying nasty chemicals about - he'd be sitting at his desk marking books in a world of his own. Can anyone remember why McSweeney (the careers incarnation) was always called "Crab"? I think we should be told.


Posted by Ian T.
Monday, August 14, 2000 at 11:34:55

)I thought it began with F.. something like Feyling's Solution?? As for the notorious acid-throwing incident, it wasn't Minhinick (Spelling?_, who was in my year, but a couple of 'trusties' in the year above who had the run of the Biology lab. I can't remember their names. The modifications to Bellarby's bonnet were the culmination of a series of biological crimes. I seem to recall that these two also turned up the heat in the locust tank baking a whole generation, and introduced guppies into the tadpole tank. Can anyone remember the names of these miscreants? And what did becoe of Minhinick? Is he still at liberty?

Subject: blue stuff

Posted by 3f
Monday, August 14, 2000 at 11:00:49

Copper Sulphate solution?Far more impressive was the acid thrown from the biology lab.window onto Martin Bellarby's new Mk.2 Cortina.The resultant "silver fox oxide" brought the police in.The whole school was interrogated in the yard-I think the culprit was that Minhinic (Minhinnic?) character who became quite infamous in later years.


Posted by ian T
Monday, August 14, 2000 at 10:08:20

What was the mname of that blue stuff we used to boil up in test tubes in the biology lab. If you were lucky it would spurt out and leave an impressive stain on the wall?

Subject: Jacko

Posted by Ern
Saturday, August 12, 2000 at 11:53:12

I reckon that the Jacko in question was the little guy that once appeared in the local magistrates court charged with assault with an offensive weapon – namely a tin of rice pudding. I vaguely remember an outing to the courts (a place where I would normally never go!) to watch the case. Jacko was a jolly kind of a chap with an unfortunate predisposition for alcohol and drugs that often rendered him completely paralytic - in short, a true Barrovian. (Cue the ranting unfortunates that still live there - it's only an opinion guys, OK?) It’s always slightly sad when you hear of some friend/acquaintance from your past popping their clogs – even if they didn’t attend BBGS!

Subject: "jacko"

Posted by jacko
Saturday, August 12, 2000 at 11:19:18

It wasn't me. Jacko

Subject: "Jacko"

Posted by Old Boy
Friday, August 11, 2000 at 16:55:58

Could someone please confirm which "Jacko" the previous correspondent was talking about. Thanks.

Subject: "Jacko"

Posted by Exile
Wednesday, August 09, 2000 at 12:02:28

Sad to report the demise of bon viveur and all-round entertainer "Rice-pudding" Jacko - died quietly in his sleep aged 40

Subject: Chip's photo

Posted by Ron
Monday, August 07, 2000 at 21:23:05

Don't you think the photo of Chip on your home page has a disturbingly 1930's Bavarian smack to it. Perhaps Argentina wasn't the only refuge in 1945. And, don't forget, there is still dipute about the fate of Martin Bormann. Could explain Chip's rather discipliarian manner.


Posted by Ern
Monday, August 07, 2000 at 09:34:28

Phil, this may be of interest:

Subject: '77 Photo

Posted by Steve Brayshaw
Saturday, August 05, 2000 at 13:13:51

Sometimes, whilst aimlessly surfing, you find something that brings the memories flooding back. (I'm 3.3 on Page 4) An abiding memory is "the Sermon on the Mount". Wasn't there a masked character involved as well?. Does anybody remember the pitched battles that used to take place with Alfred Barrow School? I remember a series of skirmishes involving most of both schools complete with cavalry on mopeds. Fifi, in an attempt to regain some credibity (if he ever had any), actually rugby tackled one of the ABS motorcyclists. And what about Maurcie Flitcroft (the father of twins who were at School)who used to practice his golf on the school field (I think he was banned from the local courses). He holds the record for the highest ever score in a round at the British Open after assuming the identity of a golfer who had to withdraw from the championship at the last minute. And what about the Duke of Edinburgh's visit in '79 (?). I must have been in the Lower 6th and was dissecting dogfish in a Biology class as he arrived by helicopter (I've seen the Duke's "chopper" rang round the school for days). The Dog fish were duely tied to the blind cords and lowered in tribute as the Duke walk to the entrance to the Annex. Jimmy Mont' didn't seem to mind ... we was too busy trying to mend his bike. Anyway ..... few more for the rogues gallery + biogs Page 1 3.6 Steven Cook (left at end of 5th year to take up an Electricty Board (NORWEB) apprenticeship ... we were all jealous because it paid twice as much as Vickers and infinitely more that the 6th Form) 3.7 Mark Harrison (Very quiet, studied Botany at Manchester, lived near the Farmers Arms ... remember Esperanto Corner .. is it still there?) 3.12 Somebody Murphy (lived on Throrncliffe Rd. Top table tennis player) Page 2 3.1 Andrew Wernham. On his first day he turned up in a braided blazer, and I think a pair of shorts. The poor lamb never lived it down and developed suicidal tendancies in the 6th Form (whilst wearing a 2-tone Brian Ferry suit) ... made several valliant, but unsuccessful attempts to top himself .. I do hope he's still with us. 3.3 Carlos dos Santos (His dad was in the Argentine Navy. When Berni Eales asked him what he wanted to do in Games he replied "Darts" ..... we think he meant Javelin) 3.6 Steve Bushell. (Murphy's table tennis mate, but not quite so good) 3.7 Smithy. An odd sort. Played the clarinet (or tootle-flute as we called it). He was the only boy who legitimately crossed the divide to the girl's school as that was the only place that taught the clarinet .... the opportunity to meet the girls was lost on him though) Page 3 3.7 Martin Dyer. Shortest boy in the year. Would never answer to his name at registration so that Gottle Garnet ("3G you're the worst form I've ever had in 20 years of teaching")would have to ask "is Dyer here" (diarrhoea). Oh how we laughed. 3.11. Martin Royle. Excellent cricketer. Became an/the accountant for Burlington Slate. I recall that he was more interesting than his biog sounds 3.12 Dave "Benny" Benson. I used to spend some time with Benny, but I can't remember anything vaguely remarkable about him. May have been taken to see Led Zeppelin by his big sister .. lucky boy. Page 4 3.3 Me. Isn't my neck long! 3.6 Somebody de Souza (another visitor from Argentina) 3.7 Somebody Savage (lived by the school gates) 3.8 Somebody Parkes. Transferred to the Grammar with me when he was 13. 3.11 "Gormo" Gunson. Not the brightest spark, always wanted to be a copper. My abiding memmory of Gormo is that he brought the biggest bag of sweets, with the noisiest wrappers in to an exam and proceeded to eat the lot ... the papers made a racket and his chopping and slurping was worse. I don't think he even put pen to paper ... I'm sure he made an excellent policeman. Page 6. 3.3 Mark Humphrey. He was at Ormsgill Juniors with me, along with Phil "Fester" Callow 3.4 Brian Brown. Pals with 3.3 above. I think he went to teach at a public school in Taunton. Page 7. 3.1 Paul Conway. His uncle was someting big in Guiness. The only person in Barrow who supported Derby County and was excused RE as he was a Catholic (can that be right?). We was my intellectual peer and we used to compete for 3rd/4th spot in the class behind Peter Rothney and Tim Littlehales. 3.2 Peter Rothney. Top of the class. His dad was a doctor, his mum was Swedish and his middle name was Ulf 3.3 Somebody Middleton 3.5 Tim Littlehales. His Dad was a big cheese at Vickers. 3.6 Somebody Furness. 3.7 Rolf Hart (?). When somebody broke wind in class I recall the teacher (Slug Sharpe I think) asking "Did Hart fart or was Carter the farter?". Poor Rolf had a terrible skin complaint .. we'd all be sympathetic now, but at the time ...... My 2 brothers are also on the photo... I'll pass the link on to them. I'm sure that they'll fill in a few more blanks

Subject: Bad Hair Day

Posted by Ian T
Tuesday, August 01, 2000 at 10:07:16

You only have to look at the photos to see how stylistically challenged we all were. If anything things seem to get a bit worse between 1972 and 1978. The haircuts weren't true mullets though, being generally long all over rather than long-short in the Botham manner. My candidate for the worst fashion item of the 70s is the round-collared shirt; I had a few 'cos everyone else did, but I never liked them.

Subject: Mullet

Posted by PFW
Monday, July 31, 2000 at 16:09:52

Is this mullet site not subject to censorship? I can't help feeling though that
those of us from the 70s are skating on thin ice.... I recall a few fashion victims who went the whole hog with 8 cm (EU) stacks and daft pants.....


Posted by Ian T
Monday, July 31, 2000 at 09:59:16

An important site...

Subject: Generator

Posted by Alan Tomlinson
Friday, July 28, 2000 at 17:52:01

Jolly Jim Fryer linked the whole of my class up by our little fingers, playing us along with slow turns of the handle, producing a slight tingle, then a gradual increase to feel the power surge gently build up. Then with a maniacal grin he whizzed it around post haste and we all became airborne with the shock. A man of few words really but a good sort really, I suppose. Not pure evil like som others we could name.

Subject: test

Posted by test
Friday, July 28, 2000 at 13:00:39


Subject: Bongo

Posted by PW
Friday, July 28, 2000 at 11:00:03

Sadly I can't think of any Bongo anecdotes - he was not prone to any behaviours I can remember. The only notable thing he did that I recall was to burn too much magnesium ribbon and give himself a rather nasty case of "welding flash" to both eyes... either that or he was on the sauce that weekend

Subject: Electrostatics

Posted by Ern
Thursday, July 27, 2000 at 19:06:13

It was definately the Wimshurst machine although BBGS did have a Van de Graaf as well. Both machines were capable of producing a fair old charge of static electricity. If you should be so inclined, have a look here for details of how to build your own.

Subject: Remembering.....

Posted by Al Zeimer
Thursday, July 27, 2000 at 18:50:13

No, I don't recall the generator thing, Van de Graaf, isn't it? I do remember throwing mercury around and washing hands in the stuff. I can also remember Jimmy Mont's chaotic and extremely enjoyable biology lessons. Was he the only teacher to smack boy's bottoms with clawed fingers? I think the webmaster (he enjoys the tag!) might recall the plasticene figures we built and filled with meths, just to sit on tripods above biology lesson bunsens until they obliged us by bursting into spectacular flame. The lessons always smelt of the kitchen, because instead of testing the food for sugars, carbohydrates, fats or protein, we'd just burn it or boil it in the copper cans. It was also very easy to sneak up on Jimmy and clip test-tube holders to his jacket. He often left the lab festooned with the things. A healthy alternative to body piercing!

Subject: Benzene Shirt

Posted by Ben Scene
Thursday, July 27, 2000 at 17:19:45

Yes... Moffatt...
I recall I gave him a spare shirt to enable him to function with a chemically
modified midriff... didn't get it back.....

Subject: Dancin' Fool

Posted by PFW
Thursday, July 27, 2000 at 14:24:51

I wonder if the benzene correspondent remembers a certain individual who was connected
up to a hand-cranked generator? The unfortunate danced really well and we all requested a repeat performance.
Jim Friar obliged, with a wry grin on his face - it was torture and he wasn't really supposed to enjoy it but his human side prevailed


Posted by
Thursday, July 27, 2000 at 14:04:38

Though I was forced to drop science half way through the school, I have some memories of alarming things that happened in labs. There was one particular party trick which involved standing a boy on an insulated stool and getting him to grasp the brass knob of a contraption called something like the 'Whimshurst Machine' The physics master would crank the handle and a huge disc would spin against brushes, charging said pupil with enough static to make his hair stand upright. Then the youth would be told to point his finger at a bunsen burner. If all went well, a spark would leap across the gap and the gas would be lit. I forget who the victim on the stool was on the day it went wrong, but I do know that it was my friend Bob Ferguson who (in a spirit of scientific curiosity) poked him in the back while he was fully charged. Both of them were flung across the room and shook for several minutes afterwards. Nobody was sued.

Subject: Shirt

Posted by PFW
Wednesday, July 26, 2000 at 21:58:13

Thanks for the elaborate detail on the polynitrated benzene..
It was like the old days of the OU
Do you have a nice knitted tie you could wear as well and make it complete?

Subject: Colin Wheeler

Posted by McSweeney reprobate
Wednesday, July 26, 2000 at 20:48:59

As I recall, Colin was the only person worse than me at double Maths 'A' level - might account for why he seems to think he's 46 and not a mere boy of 42.

Subject: Bongo Anecdote

Posted by Paul
Wednesday, July 26, 2000 at 17:43:08

Has anyone mentioned the frazzled shirt yet, Phil? or the Iodine stained shirt of our finest consumer rights protector ever to serve the people of Barrow? If any one wants to know, I'd be happy to provide details! OK, then, the shirt - A level chemistry involved incredibly dangerous activities, now banned in schools. For instance, the use of nitrating mixture and vast quantities of benzene. When nitrating benzene, its important to keep the temperature below 70 degrees, otherwise explosive, ultra-nitrated versions are formed. To monitor the temperature, we used a thermometer, and as the reaction with benzene is an exothermic one (gets hot!) it was necessary to run the flask containing the mixture under the cold water tap. Some poor clod, who only sat in A level chemistry for about two weeks, whilst checking his rapidly nitrating mixture of benzene, concentrated sulphuric acid and concentrated nitric acid, at a nice hot ambient temperature, dropped the thermometer through the bottom of the flask. The hot mixture splashed off the desk and sprayed the unfortunate pupil's shirt - causing it to instantly dissolve and shrivel away. Like Magic!! One minute a shirt, the next second, a blackened, hard plastic scarf, complete with fused stub of old school tie. A few blisters on the stomach, but not too much to write home about. Needless to say, Bongo was besides himself and carted said injured pupil off to see, not the nurse, but the recently deceased Big Ron, then the nurse. How we laughed!! I'll save the iodine one for later.

Subject: Bongo

Posted by PFW
Wednesday, July 26, 2000 at 16:04:22

We must all view with regret the diminution of the anecdote quota - I shall be out back tonight with the nettle whips
I agree with the good Doctor - if he did or didn't either way it's not good soul vitamins to read about
Look to the stars!

Subject: recent messages

Posted by 3f
Tuesday, July 25, 2000 at 12:07:50

I agree with the troll.How about a few more anecdotes- Bongo for instance hasn't had much of a mention. I bet he was always last in the egg and spoon race.


Posted by
Monday, July 24, 2000 at 15:23:11

An embittered troll! Our first?!

Subject: recent messages

Posted by fifth form leaver
Saturday, July 22, 2000 at 11:16:40

Reading all this crap, I wish I'd gone to Holker Street.

Subject: Karam

Posted by No. 201
Friday, July 21, 2000 at 16:02:02

Oh yeah he is definitely on TV
And.. no .. we don't care
But it's nice to know.

Subject: Prisoner No.469

Posted by Alan Tomlinson
Friday, July 21, 2000 at 15:48:53

469 or 5.2 was definitely Guillermo (BILL) Fernandes, Argetntinian Naval officer's son. Where did Karam come from? Is he really on TV in Brazil? Maybe Karam is a stage name? Does anyone really care?


Posted by Ron Burns
Friday, July 21, 2000 at 01:08:22

I've just read through the old postings. There's been a good range of topic sand it's warming to see one of my generation at last. I remember Jim Witton, but I doubt he remembers me. I was in Barrow last week and one Ron Duxbury was shown receiving an award in the Evening Mail. Is that the same Ron who appeared on the 1962 herd shot? All this water and rhinos business is eyewash. The only way to be certain of not being attacked by wild animals is to make sure you are a faster runner than your companions.

Subject: Existentialist Angst

Posted by Pocket Philosopher
Thursday, July 20, 2000 at 16:17:03

Its entirely due to existentialist angst. Existentialism is a creed of despair and darkness, devoid of reason and purpose, ideally suited to the grim North East. This is why Geordies can't urinate against a wall without checking that its real. It does have the practical benefits described below, but is really metaphysical in origin. It scares hippopotamuses, too.

Subject: Headrest

Posted by Ern
Thursday, July 20, 2000 at 14:35:44

Nonsense - the position facilitates simultaneous urination and regurgitation, thus saving valuable seconds on the way to the next alcohol emporium. Careful not to get any on yer sleeves mind!

Subject: Headrest

Posted by Phil
Thursday, July 20, 2000 at 14:17:25

I always assumed the "tripod" position was a safeguard against some evil Geordie coming in behind you and pushing you into the "trough"...

Subject: Hippos and water

Posted by Expert Geographer
Thursday, July 20, 2000 at 14:14:59

"Never get between a hippo and water". Over what distance does this advice work? Eventually there will always be water on your side, in one direction, Joe Bananas taught me that. It depends how far one's prepared to travel. Hippos wander about at night, mostly, and kill more Africans than lions, elephants and rhinos put together. As for rhinos, do what they do in Dalton, wait for a charging rhino to fall in a hole, then kill it. It saves on rolled up newpaper. Excesive drinking, by the way, often leads to the adoption of the support position described, it may well be grief, but it also prevents you from falling down. The attitude of the head results from the proximity of a shoulder to lean against. It stops it wobbling.

Subject: Rhino's

Posted by Ciaran
Tuesday, July 18, 2000 at 19:24:23

I never mentioned Rhino's did I?


Posted by Ian T
Tuesday, July 18, 2000 at 16:55:47

It is grief. They paid good money for the beer.

Subject: Nee'casell

Posted by The Borg
Tuesday, July 18, 2000 at 16:41:36

The mystery of Newcastle is why the (male) inhabitants typically relieve themselves with their heads resting on one arm against the wall. I have never observed this elsewhere... Perhaps our Geordie correspondents can enlighten us....


Posted by
Tuesday, July 18, 2000 at 15:08:31

...and that reminds me... as a kid I was bitten by a penguin at Edinburgh Zoo. I've had this phobia about waiters ever since.


Posted by
Tuesday, July 18, 2000 at 15:05:54

A Zambian colleague once told me that if charged by an elephant I should not climb a tree. It is much better to climb a hill, because elephants get out of breath easily. Also never get between a hippo and water. He had no advice about rhinos, however. Of course, if you are attacked by a peacock, do what we all do in Newcastle and slap it round the head with a rolled up newspaper.

Subject: Update on the Rhino

Posted by Paul
Tuesday, July 18, 2000 at 10:04:43

I thought that the rhino fell in the moat, that the owner of said safari park had built to protect this fine example of a dwindling species. When it became wedged, upset and couldn't be dislodged, they shot it. Not much good for breeding purposes now, is it? Ciaran, the red mud's good, Africa's covered in red mud and most rhinos look red.

--- Lots of highly inflammatory material ----

. The nasty fat kid indulging in that harmless bit of peacock bashing must have come from Newcastle.

Subject: Rites

Posted by Margaret Mead
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 21:46:29

Dear Ernest... You sure you're not thinking of monkeys?
I was thinking of monkeys only this morning.
It creeps up on one. MM

Subject: The Rhino

Posted by Alan Quartermain
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 21:41:10

They shot it on the way to Dalton....
Apparently a local farmer, as a bit of light relief from raising poisonous meat, sprayed his field with blood, and it upset the rhino. The beast put forth its powers and forced a way through the robust balsa wood fencing and charged off toward the in-bred hamlet we know as Dalton. Fearing a bloodbath, or at least a fiver's worth of damage, the authorities shot the bewildered animal. Interesting that even a simple beast knew better than to charge toward BiF.... hmm

Subject: Peacock Incident

Posted by Ern
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 21:37:15

I think they must have been visitors - in some cultures, slapping a peacock is part of the male rite of passage into adulthood. What is the well-documented rhino story?

Subject: Brockholes

Posted by ciaran
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 21:08:54

Bit of a generalisation there Paul! How do you know they were local? We do get visitors to this part of the world you know. I must admit some of the animals don't look too good impregnated with red Dalton clay but I think there is some kind of conservation / breeding programme involved in it all. It may not last too long anyway as the owner plans to emigrate to oz soon . Must agree though that your story did have a happy ending

Subject: Feedback

Posted by PW
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 16:34:08

I don't recall anyone actually expressing any satisfaction over the content...
re: those days.. I think my threshold has, if anything, gone down. A donkey eating thistles would do nicely.

Subject: new feedbacks

Posted by sydney smith
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 16:25:57

Have just read the 1978 edition of Feedback for the first time in over 20 years. We were easily satisfied in those days, weren't we?

Subject: We're going to the zoo,zoo,zoo

Posted by Phil
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 15:27:46

Yes I have visited this fine menagerie.. I was subjected to a prolonged over-amplified rant from the owner regarding the reasons why the tigers' ribs were showing and why one of them had three legs. Given the well-documented rhino story I wasn't filled with confidence in his wire mesh fencing. Could be another Aspinall. I didn't get a chance to box with a peacock.... maybe he could introduce it as an activity?
Your story touched me deeply though. What a happy ending.

Subject: The Dalton Zoo

Posted by Paul
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 15:19:26

I was in BiF this past weekend, and visited the Dalton Safari Park (a gazebo and a zoo! Wow!) with my daughter. How depressing! Bored caged animals, ill monkeys and (Daltonian generalisation) xxxxvian xxxxholes sticking things through wire cages. Some fat obnoxious kid actually hit a peacock with a rolled up newspaper - hard. His mother thought it was funny. Down the hill a bit, a huge bee flew into his eye, causing little fat thug to scream and cry really loudly. Everyone was looking, you'd think he'd been bitten by a bored tiger. "Now that IS funny!" I said to his mother. my wife didn't approve of my behaviour and we had a minor row about it, but it WAS funny - I was crying with laughter at the time.

Subject: Feedback

Posted by PW
Monday, July 17, 2000 at 11:44:30

OK.. so I lied ... but they are up now.
Just what was The Brian Hughes Band?
Any ideas?

Atlantean Hoard