Atlantean Hoard

Subject: Spoonerisms


Posted by EW
Saturday, May 04, 2002 at 10:37:53

Many years ago my dear partner was explaining to her mother over the phone about the difficulties of learning to drive.
I choked on my toast when she explained the biggest problem was how she kept clutching her snatch while driving.


Subject:


Posted by Ern
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 20:18:53

Some of these images (both real and prosaic) are going to haunt me for days. I particularly like Mr. Hawking and the bus.
I think a springboard in the bathroom might be pushing it a bit for my gently ageing and battered carcass. I am considering snatching the clutch though - there's life in the old boy yet!


Subject: Bidets


Posted by IT
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 17:58:01

If you walk into your bidet, your feet get wet. That isn't the general idea.


Subject: Earthquake


Posted by EW
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 16:26:21

Perhaps someone could find out where Brook got those crappy (polystyrene) letters that once proudly adorned his store. I reckon he carved them himself with a hot coat hanger.


Subject:


Posted by EW
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 15:49:28

Perhaps a jaunty leap off a spring board followed by a half curl and straddled landing?


Subject: Walk-in bidets


Posted by Ern
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 15:20:48

This has been worrying me all day - perhaps a picture of the equipment is required.


Subject:


Posted by EW
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 15:16:18

Posted by ITFriday, May 03, 2002 at 08:47:30 P.S. If you have never tried a walk-in bidet, I thoroughly recommend them
Query "walk-in"
Is there an alternative mode of entry? (Stephen Hawking aside).


Subject: My sense of Irony is in deepest failure


Posted by Corby Waters
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 14:19:30

Why has that sexy beast been anonymised? Now I can't look it's number up to scribble in my little tatty notebook. I'm sure it was one that I missed in the early 80's, an early Dennis maybe..... Priceless.


Subject: Aspergers Syndrome


Posted by Erasmus Watermelon
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 13:01:35

Ah yes the conundrum that is Aspergers. A useful genetic trait in our early days on the great African plains. The tribe could always rely on their obsessive to remind them which fruit was edible and to carry the shiny bits of sky metal around.
Now this same treacherous DNA makes otherwise ordinary folk develop attachments to odd bits of machinery, organise their sock drawer, and join MENSA.
In more innocent times these guys would pass almost unnoticed. Neighbours might roll their eyes a little, the wife was glad that constructing a replica of the Golden Hind from matches would keep him too busy to want to do anything "nasty" upstairs.
The coming of the Internet has now unleashed the creative powers of this hidden population, revealing their florid obsessions to a wider audience. Through the use of search engines they can even meet like minds. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Oh you hot bitch


Subject: That ol' devil called love (again)


Posted by Ernesto
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 12:27:12

Hey, Erasmus, you might like to look at the images herein. They have saved me many hundreds of pounds in prescription charges for Viagra and quite a few bob in singles to Bardsea.  Now where is my Corby catalogue?  I feel a rush of blood to the thighs!


Subject: Wooden Spoon


Posted by EW
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 11:39:52

Jonno?


When did he sign for some BiF sporting outfit?
Get yourself sorted out laddo or you'll be caught up in some red card madness and off for an early shower.
"Erasmo"


Subject:


Posted by EW
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 11:36:12

One of the pleasures of the primitive board (pleasures? what the hell am I on about) is trying spot which degenerate submits these richly alienated sour jibes. I reckon I'm pretty much on the money here and if so I can tell you that he is riding the winds of fantasy when he speculates upon which bathroom to use. Tis' common knowledge that he only uses trouser presses for relief.
Spam? Jesus I get daily reminders about where to buy cheap viagra. I don't know what the system administrators make of it. But if they are reading my mail(especially the top heavy Unix expert) I don't really suffer from erectile dysfunction and carefully avoid sitting over the wheel arch on buses.


Subject: ZZzzzzzzzzzz...z.z......z................


Posted by Yawn O'Bore
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 11:14:00

No cd collection is complete without Mongolian throat music. Isn't it really clever, this being eclectic? Jonno - we had similar spam b*****d software attacks, but our techie sorted them - unfortunately he's on holiday - if you still have the same problem in a week's time, speak to der uberwebmeister who can put you in touch. Now, which of my one bathrooms should I use for today's constitutional?


Subject: Bidets.


Posted by IT
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 08:47:30

P.S. If you have never tried a walk-in bidet, I thoroughly recommend them.


Subject: Eclecticism


Posted by IT
Friday, May 03, 2002 at 08:44:28

Do I detect that old polarisation again? Recent additions to the Thompson CD collection, which occupies a suite of rooms in the west wing of recently refurbished Thompson Towers (15 bathrooms, including ten en suite, all with walk-in showers and bidets)have included a compilation of early Stevie Wonder tracks, Jill Scott's Who is Jill Scott, Pink Floyd's Saucerful of Secrets, Beachboy's Pet Sounds, Air's Moon Safari and Sibelius's Kullervo. But your posting really belonged on the creaking Soul thread Mr. Dee Jay.


Subject: Yawno


Posted by OMIGAWD
Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 22:45:21

Fantabulous!


Subject:


Posted by
Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 19:46:28

WOW!


Subject: BBC1 last night 10.35pm


Posted by Virtual DeeJay
Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 15:26:34

Soccer meets Northern Soul! Anyone see that programme called "There's Only One FA Cup"? I'd planned watching it anyway but was in the middle of preparing my nightly Ovaltine when the introductory instrumental music sounded very familiar - it was none other than one of the greatest anthems to pound the walls of the Northern scene - "The Bari Track" by Donni Burdick. The programme traced the tradition of how TV has presented the Cup Final over the years.

In no time at all we were treated to "Girls are Out To Get You" by the Fascinations as Charlie George lay prostrate on the Wembley turf awaiting the arrival of his teammates after firing Arsenal ahead in 1971, and Southampton's (now deceased) Bobby Stokes leaping aboard Mick Channon's Back to the accompaniment of Earl Wright's "Thumb A Ride".

While there must have been millions of viewers across the country totally bemused by the choice of music to accompany the clips, it should be remembered that, in the 70s, there was a definite link between travelling support for the big clubs and attending nearby all-nighters the same day.

Northern Soul


Subject: JK


Posted by John Keleher
Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 11:40:08

...And this one is me.

Sorry to confuse you Ern - and yes, we have a mission to make the world a safer place for convicted criminals.

I understand that, even as you read this, some of our brethren can rest easily in their cells knowing they will not accidentally hang themselves by their bootlaces.


Subject: JRK


Posted by Jon Kyme
Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 14:49:14

This one is me, I can't remember the last time I posted here (can't think of anything to say as a rule).Please don't tell me about bugs in merseymail, cumbriamail, lancsmail, lfcmail.co.uk etc etc. I know already.Please don't tell me that you get loads of spam from Christine986745Axz@lancsmail.com (etc) This is because some jokerhas produced spamware which generates 'from' addresses purportingto be in our domains.2 bogs, 1 shower, 1 bath. I don't think that's extravagant.And I don't know why I'm getting defensive about this.all the best to all of you and all of yours


Subject:


Posted by EW
Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 09:23:24

It is definitely the hang-proof window man.JRK is busy busting his plums maintaining www.merseymail.com etc....and generally making his way in e-commerce.Also, apparently, fitting multiple bogs in his Liverpool mansion.


Subject: Keleher or Kyme?


Posted by Ern
Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 09:03:58

What confuses me is the regular contributions to this board frpom two ex-BBGS chaps with the same initials - namely JK and - yes, you guessed right, JK.


Subject:


Posted by IT
Thursday, April 25, 2002 at 13:22:02

Ah.. George 'The Quiet One' Backhouse. Remember him well.


Subject: Brian Backhouse


Posted by TC
Thursday, April 25, 2002 at 13:17:18

Ern, Brian's brother George (Brook's original Earthquake records partner) has registered on the Friends Reunited site under the year 1971, you could get his email that way...


Subject: Brian Backhouse


Posted by Ern
Monday, April 22, 2002 at 11:40:40

Thanks John - I shall relate this tale to Mrs. E.

If anyone has an e-mail address or phone number for Brian, that would be great.


Subject: Brian Backhouse


Posted by John Rushton
Monday, April 22, 2002 at 11:35:55

Ern, I haven't set eyes on Brian for about 20 years, as a fellow Walneyite and contemporary at BGS I used to keep in touch with Brian and when he was at University in Brum and I was at Leicester I used to go over to parties at his flats in various red-light/ghetto areas. I always thought it terribly unfair that someone who had a really bad stammer when pronouncing letter like 'B'should be christened Brian Backhouse though Brian usually managed to get around problem occasions like introducing yourself to a new teacher by losing his temper - 'Bbbbbbbrian ... Bbbbb oh Bloody Bugger Backhouse!The last story he told me was when working as a researcher at one of the London Universities (his subject was Anatomy) he was walking home late at night with his briefcase containing samples when the police stopped him and demanded to search his bag obviously suspecting him of being some kind of subversive drug dealer. The officers eyes lit up when they saw syringes and medical looking bottles -PC 'So what's all this Sir?'Brian (adding new meaning to the phrase 'taking the....) 'It's ppppppppiss!'I think it took him a long time to talk his way out of that and I can only hope it involved the officer in a tasting session.


Subject: Father Ted


Posted by Ern
Monday, April 22, 2002 at 08:35:11

You're up early for a comedy priest!


Subject: Casting the first stone


Posted by Father Ted
Monday, April 22, 2002 at 07:15:33

I know you....Father Fortran, isn't it?


Subject: Brain Backhouse


Posted by Ern
Sunday, April 21, 2002 at 23:28:27

Brian, if yer out there (or if anyone else knows how to contact him) my missus would love to hear from ya. You were at college together (small world huh?) - her name was/is Cathy Mulholland .


Subject: Chuckin' the first rock


Posted by Dougal Maguire
Sunday, April 21, 2002 at 23:04:45

Liven it up then all mouth!


Subject: Discordianism


Posted by Father Jack
Sunday, April 21, 2002 at 21:56:45

My god, aren't Computer buffs soooooooo boring! Pass the Toilet Duck.


Subject: The End is Nigh


Posted by Swhack Weblog
Sunday, April 21, 2002 at 11:58:11

Just returned from church, and was changing out of my hair shirt when I noticed the recent posting. According to Pastor Jim, there are three basic eschatological views; postmillennialism, amillennialism, and historic premillennialism. Dispensational premillennialism can be ignored because it is a view which is incompatible with the doctrines of grace, compromises God's aseity, and His sovereignty. Here endeth the final lesson, now please send $3.50 to the Church of the Immanent Eschaton, Duke Street, Barrow in Furness, where the eschaton has already been immanentised. Now where did I leave my sandwich board??


Subject: Creepiness


Posted by Spooked
Saturday, April 20, 2002 at 20:49:12

I'm scared ****less.


Subject: Don't let THEM immanentize the Eschaton.


Posted by R. Buckminster Fuller
Saturday, April 23, 2002 at 23:23:23

Blessed are the poor in humor: for theirs is the kingdom of Thud.
Blessed are they that frown: for they shall be tickled.
Blessed are the boring: for they have inherited the earth, and shall keep the darn thing long after even the meek stop wanting it.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after seriousness: for they shall be filled with cement and dropped down a deep treacle well.
Blessed are the flatulent: for they shall obtain relief at everyone else's expense.
Blessed are the pure in pharmaceuticals: for they shall see God, and many other things as well.
Blessed are the pharmaceutical makers: for they shall be called the fathers of the children of God, and many other things as well.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for in them is the Divine Joke revealed.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for My sake.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you truly, even, for My sake.
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the non-prophets which were before you. I mean it, I'm not kidding.

Go on then ......'ave another go!


Subject: eris


Posted by a hacker
Saturday, April 20, 2002 at 02:57:28

haven't quite disassembled correctly.any chance of another shot?


Subject:


Posted by Dr Stuttaford
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 17:46:22

Actually it is a well known heritable condition in which the vocal cords are covered in extra sticky oral secretions. At the end of a word or other period of audio inactivity the little strings stick together. Left untended they would dry and adhere with disastrous results. To avoid this the sufferer learns to emit small Vespa scooter additions to each terminating syllable. In the teaching profession this is seen as preferable to the prole sufferers solution which is to punctuate all dialogue with the ubiquitous "errrr". Sadly Nigel still sounds like a complete ****.


Subject: De Gruchy et al


Posted by Mr Chips
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 14:33:46

As an ex teacher I can relate how cheesed off the profession is with its representatives - a fat, wheezing blimp of a self publicist in McEvoy (NUT) and a stuttering (ah..) cretin in (ah..) DeGruchy (aaah.). Its obvious why they couldn't ever survive in the classroom themselves. On the speech impediment front, anyone noticed John Sergeant (spelling??) who seems to give a little gasp every now and again, as if he'd just ejaculated on air?? Maybe he has, who knows? Just watch the movement of his chin as it happens - quite an irritating little tic.


Subject:


Posted by IT
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 14:02:55

I thought I was the only one-er to have-er noticed the De Grouchy mannerism-er.Any speech therapists out there who can explain it?


Subject: Gordon Is Still A Moron


Posted by JK
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 09:45:11


Therefore, a saving of 14p a pint, funds the extra duty on 2 packets of fags
If I drink enough, I'll be smoking for free!!
No wonder he needs to increase funds for the NHS


Subject:


Posted by
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 08:45:18

?


Subject: Gordon Is A Moron


Posted by JK
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 08:14:38

I've just finished explaining to the wife that for every pint bought from a small brewer, I can now buy 2 packets of fags, and still save 2p - what a brilliant working man's budget!!


Subject:


Posted by
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 18:46:00

In our house we have no real interest in the financial moves he makes but we are fascinated by the extravagant gasping goldfish tic he has. We watch carefully and keep score of every open mouthed gulp he makes as a form of punctuation. He is second only to Nigel de Gruchy - his extra syllables are a durable source of entertainment.


Subject: Turd Brown


Posted by Sickened
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 18:12:30

So the stinky old Scot has once again stung families with a single income and children. Must be spite.


Subject: Typecast


Posted by JK
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 15:58:52

Did anyone catch Phil Brown giving us his "Dirty Old Man" last night?


Subject: FUBB


Posted by Prince Charles
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 at 12:30:33

The King Will Come


Subject: Markheim


Posted by JK
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 at 09:58:45

Markheim were years before their time - they could have made a fortune as a Wishbone Ash tribute band, if such a thing had been invented way back in the 70s.


Subject: Danny Patterson


Posted by Beef
Friday, April 12, 2002 at 20:02:24

Bob Eborall on the scene? That was quite a few days ago. Do you know Pete Kassell (64-69) used to play in a band when they were called groups, he was only 13 when he started and played lead with a Telecaster. He still plays in a local group called KFRZ or something like that. Mind those Flamingos really used to get the Rotarians rocking at the Vic Park Hotel


Subject: Stuff the 70's


Posted by Smokey Fallon and the Miracles
Friday, April 12, 2002 at 13:22:15

The other day, I was reading "On the Scene with Bob Eborall" in the Barrow News.He tells me that young up and coming beat group "Markheim" will be performing a session at Maxim's rock night on Thursday.Tuesday sees Bobby Rigg and the Flying Squad at the 99, with Danny Patterson and the Flamingos in the lounge area.


Subject: Bring back the 70's


Posted by John Rushton
Friday, April 12, 2002 at 10:00:23

Lets go the whole hog and rebuild the Penny Farthing - who need the bloody dual carriageway when you can have all day drinking on Market Day followed by a night at the Farthing!


Subject: Barrow's 70s revival


Posted by JK
Friday, April 12, 2002 at 08:01:29

When does Maxims reopen for business?


Subject: Down the Khazi Strip


Posted by Neil
Thursday, April 11, 2002 at 18:35:10

I am often entertained when looin it! I did notice a "new" nightclub called Scorpio, nor far from the site of the original Scorpio 1. Is there no end to the expansion of the war zone?


Subject: Barrovian Entertainment


Posted by Cynic
Thursday, April 11, 2002 at 10:45:49

You didn't venture down to 'Beirut' then - you could have sampled exotic stimulants such as crack cocaine, ecstasy and top quality afghani smack and then got yourself a good kicking from some shaven headed thug - how can you expect decent entertainment if you don't go looing for it?


Subject: Trendy pubs, sad pubs


Posted by Neil
Wednesday, April 10, 2002 at 21:08:09

Visiting the old folks in Barrow last week my wife and I decided on a mini pub crawl one evening. The first port of call was the Strawberry. My god! It hasn't changed since the '70's. The clientele is still underage or marginally legal and the beer is still crap.Moving on to the Farmers Arms - where on earth was the misery guts of a landlord dug up - I don't remember anyone that dour behind the bar in the past. At least the beer was good (although, oddly, no draught Guiness or Murphys).Lat port of call was the The Vic Tavern where a lot of Sky Sports zombies sat slack jawed in front of some tedious Rugby League game.Enough cynicism, at least I managed to drag my kids up a couple of minor Lake District fells and sup a variety of exotic ales at The Furness Railway. Cheers to the old town!


Subject: QM


Posted by Dave
Tuesday, April 09, 2002 at 15:32:02

I am very surprised at the outpouring of affection for somebody who was 4 million quid in debt and who's greated contribution seems to have to consume champagne at 8'o'clock in the morning. And whats all this about Hitler saying she was the most feared women in europe Why? coz she walked on the streets. I bet the Panza divisions were shitting their pants to learn of that great offensive tactic?I know other people who bet on horses and drink who contribute more to society that HRH THE QUEEN MUM RIP


Subject: This televisual age.


Posted by IT
Tuesday, April 09, 2002 at 13:57:01

While walking up Northumberland Street today I joined a group watching the QM's funeral on a telly in Fenwick's shop window. While we were watching a crew from Tyne Tees came up and filmed us. Funny old world.


Subject: Easter Bunny


Posted by John Rushton
Thursday, April 04, 2002 at 17:09:08

Don't hide the eggs around the house - buy packets of really small 'mini-eggs' and distribute them around the garden, tell the kids how many you have hidden but eat a couple before they start as their natural greed will keep them looking for hours. This has all kinds of advantages - they burn up some of the calories; if they throw up its outside; if they miss any you find them when gardening; you get some peace and quiet in return for ten minutes work hiding the eggs! This sounds like a VIZ tip but it works with my brats.


Subject: Easter Bunny


Posted by Dave
Wednesday, April 03, 2002 at 18:15:49

Yes it sounds as if yet another Americanism is hitting the shores of England,( well if its going on in Barrow i would think the trend is Nationwide)The tradition here is that an Easter Bunny brings the chocolate "candy" Another word i dislike. A carrot is left out for him the night before as reward in similar fashion to a mince pie for Santa.The easter egg hunt usually takes place at an organized event. plastic eggs with "Candy" inside are hidden all over a garden and the kids rush around trying to find them.Of course as much as I loath it, As I live here and with a daughter almost 5yrs I too perpetuate the tradition.


Subject: Easter Bunny


Posted by IT
Wednesday, April 03, 2002 at 10:54:57

What is all this about an Easter Bunny? Is he an American import? Is there just one Easter Bunny or does every family have its own? What does the Bunny (or bunnies) do for the rest of the year? My sister's family has a newly invented tradition whereby said bunny takes the choco eggs (previously purchased at Tesco) and hides them around the house on Easter Sunday. What's that all about then?


Subject: Eating the Eggs


Posted by Dave
Tuesday, April 02, 2002 at 15:39:58

Ciaran, I am of the opinion its after Church Easter Sunday for the Chocolate Scoffing, however i would carefully unwrap the foil paper make a hole and steal the fillings long before this day.


Subject: Easter Eggs


Posted by Ciaran
Tuesday, April 02, 2002 at 11:50:04

Can anyone of you settle a household argument we had over when you can legally eat your easter eggs?I beleive it's after church Sunday but my wife an kid's say after church Good Friday.Any thoughts? Perhaps Father Gribben can enlighten us.Oh and by the way, does anyone know the best way to get rid of the smell of chocolate spew off the backseat of your car?Happy Days.


Subject: Deadheads


Posted by Eater Dumbday
Sunday, March 31, 2002 at 20:59:55

Yes, it was Barry Took...... or was it Spike Milligan, Peter Bardens, P. Margaret, Cuddly Dudley, Inspector Morse.... or maybe that Bowes-Lyon character?


Subject: Who was it?


Posted by Feckless Fred
Sunday, March 31, 2002 at 16:54:05

Did someone die or something? Telly was really crap last night. Some old gadgeys going on about stuff, but then again, 'The Premiership' has always been a poor relation to 'Match of the Day'.


Subject: God Save The Queen


Posted by Guy Da Bored
Saturday, March 30, 2002 at 18:36:20

As a mark of respect I hope all you chaps are standing for our national anthem.The Pistols one that is...


Subject: A Day in the Life of Ivan the Bricklayer


Posted by Corporal Punishment
Friday, March 22, 2002 at 12:25:43

He would be in good company there. Old Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, when he had escaped the iniquities of the Soviet state, made sure he got his son into Eton.
Give the fecker a trowel and get him back to work.
Nail em up, nail some sense into them.


Subject: That Brian Ferry Bloke


Posted by Brian Eno
Friday, March 22, 2002 at 12:13:39

Just to briefly re-ignite the vicious debate on hunting - I see that my old mucker Brian Ferry's little one, Isaac, has been kicked out of Eton for sending vicious emails to an anti hunt person. Full of swear words like 'fack' and wishing him a speedy death and asking him "whay don't you get oneself a pwoper job!". Isaac of course, being of true scum stock, loves to hunt and 'rides' to the hounds with at least three county sets. Roxy Music will never sound the same again.


Subject: British Manufacturing


Posted by Ern
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 18:58:14

I'm not sure I like the way this is heading!


Subject:Increasingly scatological theme


Posted by The Colonel
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 15:26:44

Yes well.. the chemical industry isn't much of a challenge!
At British Cellophane the biggest problem was trying to avoid the "Phantom Crapper" under the machine floor. It seems that in every large industrial establishment there are always a few individuals who simply must empty their guts in some inappropriate place. It is sad to think that with the demise of British manufacturing these guys are now at a "loose" end and constrained to do it at home.
You'll find that Ern also had a foray into the chemical world. More successful than mine - when I confessed to Daltonism they sacked me without a thought! And what did we learn from this children? If at first you don't succeed - lie like hell.


Subject: Snooker, the Berry et al...


Posted by Harry Potter
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 15:19:03

Alright then, I only had to tell you about 80% of the balls and I remember you cheating on your Ishihara test - as a teacher in an earlier existence, I even passed on your tips for getting a job in the chemical industry to two sixth form students, who, like yourself, couldn't tell red from green. Is it acid or is it alkali? oo-er! Yes. Yes what? Yes it is, Sir. They both went on to have successful careers not like what we did, and they even condescend to call on me and take old Mr Chips out for a beer. If I don't dribble, they'll buy me two. Now who's this Jesus bloke??? and why is he so popular with the girls??


Subject:


Posted by Colonel Blink
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 15:01:45

You cheeky sod. I'm only 80% colour blind. Admittedly deficient enough to have had to memorise the Ishihara Test patterns in order to get a job with VSEL (the trick is to say 26 even IF you see 22).
One of my best memories of lunchtimes in the Berry - saving numerous bans - was when I asked Jimmy Jones to bring me one of his finest burgers! Some time, and many mistrokes later, he arrived, proudly bearing an elaborate creation, complete with lettuce leaf and tomato. His beaming face soon fell when I revealed that my estimate of the cost of a frigging pub beef burger was somewhat wide of his fetid entrepreneurial ambitions. In high dudgeon he about faced and headed back to the kitchen. My, it did make my mouth water though! I haven't figured out yet why I derive such joy from disappointing my fellow man, perhaps the Alpha course will bring solutions?
On reflection he should have offered it to one of the portly RU buffoons who habitually propped up the bar in those days.


Subject: That Alfalfa Course


Posted by Reggie T. Varian
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 14:40:16

I tried one once, had the wild sh*tes for weeks. The recent passage of comment reminds me of extremely dull experiences in the Grammar School debating society. They persuaded us along with the promise that people would be flung from a balloon for not arguing - pretty reactionary stuff, even by God botherer standards! Unfortunately it was all metaphorical and we had to turn to Jesus for help (or was it beer? - I can't remember as I approach my dotage). The Strawberry was always handy at extended luncheon breaks and I do remember playing snooker there with the webmeister, who, being totally colour blind had to be told which balls had to be hit with which (or was he just high?).


Subject:


Posted by The Colonel
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 14:24:17

Which is all very well but what about some more heart-warming anecdotes about our schooldays? I guess on reflection that f*** all happened. If only I had the video evidence to prove it. My doctor has given me only a year to live and I can't go quietly without resolving the roof painting enigma.

and then the other night we all met at my house. We sat around and talked about our early lives and current difficulties. Stephen, the pastor, suggested that we all pound a large cushion. Brenda got quite carried away and ripped the stuffing from a rather pretty one done up in paisley. Soon we were all crying and quite exhausted. At this point Stephen leapt up and suggested fellatio.

The Alpha Course


Subject: String + Dog


Posted by The Colonel
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 14:09:07

Yes but in a true anarchic system he would have been able to brew his own intoxicating liquor and bring it to the pub with him. Afterwards he could have bartered goods to obtain a ride to Wellington. The provider would give him a ride in his pig-dung-powered vehicle and our friend would have traded his... ooh er.. er.. his oratorical skills?


Subject: Anarchy for the U.K.


Posted by Ern
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 13:31:51

I once met one of these self-proclaimed anarchist types in a public house in Taunton. The fellah had obviously been sleeping rough, but had managed to beg enough money to get completely hootered on the local cider. He then went on to decry all forms of social organisation, in a very loud voice and for quite some time! At the end of the evening, he had the temerity to ask if anyone had a bus timetable detailing the times of travel to Wellington. I rather thought this let his argument down a wee bit and pointed this out to him in my usual subtle manner, at which point he got very lairy indeed. Jeez, the damn fellah was even more hypocritical than me!


Subject:


Posted by The Colonel
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 13:14:04

I do apologise for the overtly political tone that crept into my last message. Since I let Jesus into my life I had hoped that I would be able to eschew all such base thoughts. I can heartily recommend an Alpha course to all our readers.


Subject:


Posted by The Colonel
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 13:07:14

Oh I don't know. Its not so sad. The hairbags seem to appreciate the delicate symbiotic nature of life on Earth but have a blind spot when it comes to the human "coral reef". Old reactionaries are just as essential to the ecosystem as the young feckless bastards are. If they were in charge it would be a disaster, but without them it would be pretty ghastly as well. I'm happy to have gone through all the necessary stages of human development. When rejecting the advances of some begging hairball I feel very happy to be playing my part in the great circle of life.
Only one thing puzzles me. Where the f*** do young conservatives fit into this delicate mechanism? They seem to go straight from the womb to being utter shite without a redeeming period of questioning rebellion. Now that is some sinister shit.


Subject: Hey, Mr Tambourine Man


Posted by Albert Middle-Aged
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 12:01:28

Isn't it sad that teenage rebels turn into sad old gits like me and Ern? Time were when we would have applauded hairy folk with prickly clothes running about the country in batterd old vans, scrounging off the state and getting high. Now we just sit behind the chintz and wish they'd all just f**k off and die. Which they will, one day. Those hairy twats are spending my taxes and causing my house price to fall!! And they save foxes and small furry animals from trained killers like me. Bring back National Service (now that I'm too old for it) - it'd do them good, at least they'd get a haircut and look smarter as they steal from the corner shops.


Subject:


Posted by The Colonel
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 11:40:40

This reminds me of the great anarchist protest in London. What do they do when one of their number breaks a leg? They send out for an ambulance. Egad! I would have built a traditional lean-to and then gathered round with some friends to beat a drum and wave crystals over the limb. The sellout wimps!
It seems we can't have a serious alternative culture without it depends upon the cosy support of existing infrastructures. Here in the Circle of Josephine Triphosphate we have done away with all that. When we march though Taunton we will stop at Ern's and liberate the chickens and eggs from his evil bread-head intensive farm setup. Following a round table discussion, with a rotating chairpersonship, we will then act upon resolution #4 and syphon the refined petroleum spirit from his Beemer. Thus supporting our oppressed brethren in the Arab world.


Subject: Severe Hippy Aversion


Posted by Ern
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 19:54:12

Despite rumours to the contrary, it's not all tory half-wits around here, there are a large proportion of 'ex-travellers'. Now this is OK until you actually try to organise anything involving them, then their innate ability to f**k anything up without even getting out of bed, comes to the fore.
When they do eventually rise from their patchouli sodden 'gen-ew-ine Mexican' blanketed pits, it is usually only to open the door to another of their ilk , who has travelled many miles to share his/her last Puerto-Rican pshyco-active mushroom cake. Unfortunately, this rarely satisfies both parties, whereupon they inevitably arrive on one's doorstep begging for 'a few eggs and a couple of slices of bacon - Oh and Simon's car has run out of petrol - I don't suppose............?'
Simple really!


Subject: Ern, again.


Posted by Hippy A Version
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 19:37:21

Dog Turd Hopping - the rules are;don't step on anything proud of the pavement that doesn't move of it's own volition and is black/brown/white and soft. Extra points for avoiding warm ones.That's it really.


Subject:


Posted by EW
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 19:26:09

Confess Aunty.. you secretly yearn for a more wholesome life away (h'away?) from the blasted heaths of the north east. Your city life is just one long round of urinating in trouser presses and eating the green mince.
I must confess.. I am laying plans to visit Dog Dirt Central at the weekend. I'm sure you do it an injustice. However, just in case I'll take the digicam and try and get the most boarded up shops in one frame.
Meanwhile we must continue to probe the nature of Ern's severe Hippy aversion.


Subject: Dog Turd Hopping


Posted by Ern
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 18:23:01

Pray enlighten me as to the rules of this unknown (at least down here in tory central office world) sport.

Or is it just a naming convention sort of thing - ya know, like native Amerikkkans calling their offspring 'Eagle Swooping' and such like?


Subject: Ern's Problem(s)


Posted by Aunty
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 17:52:36

A neat solution would be to move to Barrow in Furness, Ern. There are no female drummers, however amply proportioned, with or without stripey trousers, but you will encounter a plethora of dog turd hopping tarts with shell suits promenading along Michaelson Road. And another thing, Barrow's a lovely place, my family keep telling me so. If you choose to occupy a rose entwined, picture postcard cottage in the middle of a picturesque area then you'll have to lump the affluent middle class wankers who obscure your view of the local hostelry with their tambourines and bodhrans. Pass me the trouser press, it's my turn again, Erasmus.


Subject: Decadence


Posted by Sadist and Loving It
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 17:34:50

Badger baiting and hare coursing.


Subject: It's alright for you ugly people


Posted by Naomi Campbell
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 16:40:17

If we stop hunting foxes, where will I get my coats from?


Subject: Stripey Pants and drums


Posted by Tree Hugging Hippy Scum
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 16:01:13

Can you smoke those, then?


Subject: Unacceptable Face of Country Life


Posted by
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 14:47:23

stripey pants


Subject: Drummers


Posted by PFW
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 14:35:47

Drummers! You didn't mention drummers. God those stripey pants!
If there's one thing that humps the mercury in my sphygmomanometer its amateur drummers. I think they all originate in Ulverston, that cultural oasis.
I will now have to go and relieve myself into the trouser press.


Subject: Provocative Postures


Posted by Ern
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 14:21:26

So, will it be a victory for ex-BBGS opinion, or am I going to have to put up with tree-hugging hippy scum and their stripey be-leggined drum beating wives parading thru the village in the motoring equivalent of an old nag for years to come? And I ain't talkin' Glastonbury (man). Anyone give a damn?

Jeez the sea is boiling again.................Cthulthu!!!!



Atlantean Hoard